I realize that moving forward sometimes means looking back. Its sort of like getting to the seed that is in the middle of the fruit so that you can replant it to make it grow. Yes, this is exactly it. I am ready to grow and commit to the process of growing but I must look at the seed and make sure I’m planting using the right seed. I just read and posted this scripture this morning:
that got me to wondering have I checked the seed from which I am growing self-doubt, fear, thinking everyone is better than me. Basically what I am doing is taking my voice away from myself. This is dangerous to my future and the future of my family.
My starting process begins with my earliest memory as a child. Believe it or not my earliest memory and I can see it just like it was just yesterday. I was approximately one or two years old. The memory is of me standing holding onto a crib rail in what I believe was my grandmothers room. I remember the room being very bright (my grandmother had a big bay window in her room). My mother was talking to this man that had very dark skin complexion that was about her height. She turned toward the crib (and speaking to the man) and said don’t you want to see your daughter. I can’t remember what he said I just remember her saying to me that this is your daddy baby. Unfortunately, I remember feeling sad because he didn’t come by me or hold me. I truly don’t remember being acknowledged. My mom and who I believe was my dad just started back talking. This is all I remember but it has stuck with me for many years. It funny even writing this post, I feel very sad almost teary.
Well, to be at place in my life where I can address and process this is wonderful yet scary. This one event (and many more to share) has contributed greatly to my distrust in others, to my sense of self-reliance, to my sense of self-doubt, to the many fears that I will somehow fail and no one will be their to pick me up. Side bar: Over the years so many people have poured into my life and has showed me the opposite of what I feel or encouraged me to believe in myself. All I can say right now is “First Impressions Are Lasting Impressions”. Moving beyond this place has been a struggle but I am doing it… FREEDOM!!!